Letting You Go
by Star-chan
Summary: Revised. An AU fic! Goku has a terrible sickness and Sanzo has to let him go... Now, where will he go?


Letting You Go...

By Star-chan

Disclaimer: As much as I love Saiyuki... It isn't mine! Kazuya Minekura-sensei owns Saiyuki!! 

Author's Note: Wai wai!!! Finally completed this fic!! It has been lying around since like... erm... before school started??? Hope you enjoy this...!!! Dedicated to Serena, Kamen and Kimmy and all you people reading this!!!!!! ^_^.  

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"Please, Sanzo. Leave the boy! He has leukemia... and if he doesn't go for treatment now, he'll die! Please don't see him again. "

"What the fuck did you say?" Sanzo asked the man demandingly, while threateningly lifting the man by the collar.

"I said he has leukemia! Didn't you know? He has to go for treatment or else, if it gets to a higher stage he'll die! And he doesn't want to leave Japan because of you! You're the only person preventing him from going! We've even collected enough money for him to get his treatment... "

Sanzo just stood there, his grip on the man's collar slowly loosened as his eyes traveled to the black granite floor. 

"I know we've disagreed in lots of different departments before, but I want him to stay healthy... I'm sure you want that too. We all want the best for him, and if you want him to stay alive, please break up with him! I've tolerated the both of you being together before, but I won't this time. I don't want to do it the hard way if possible, but if you don't do it, I won't hesitate to do it for you. It won't do any good to the both of us if I did it. So please, break up with him! " 

Sanzo remained silent. Then, he turned around and walked away, leaving the man there himself.

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I took out a cigarette, lighted it and brought it to my lips. I lied on the bed while mindlessly staring into the plain white ceiling… thinking about what the man had told me.

_Leave the boy! He has leukemia..._

"He has leukemia... " I muttered out loud, letting my voice reverberate in the empty room. The effect however, didn't last long. The room was left silent, only the soft whistles of the wind passing through the window were audible.

He has leukemia and he didn't tell me. Fate really was playing with me... over and over again... But he'd never kept any secrets from me... why now? Why this? Why did he choose to hide such an important matter? I would have listened to him if he'd wanted tell me. But he didn't! He didn't fucking tell me. Did he just want to stay here in Japan and slowly rot and die? And it'll all be my fault, for making him stay here, entirely my fault... 

_... if you want him to stay alive, please break up with him..._

Fuck!! I won't make the same mistake! I won't let him die... I won't allow that incident to happen all over again. Yes... I'll prevent it from happening, even if I have to let him go... 

To forget, once again... but before that, I'll have to break him first... 

That fragile little heart that was willingly given to me will be shattered into pieces, but it shouldn't be exposed to all that hatred... Not now, not forever... 

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"He is just playing with you, Goku!  " 

"NO! Sanzo wouldn't do that to me! I-I love him! And I know he does to!" I shouted back to my so-called uncle. The mere thought of the possibilities behind what he said was too frightening. But, I reminded myself of Sanzo… Reminding myself of what he had said to me that night… "He wouldn't just leave me alone... he won't... "

Yes... he'll stay with me forever…right?

"He just wants your money, nothing else. Why don't you just accept the fact! " 

"Sanzo isn't like that! I know he isn't! "I once again defended Sanzo. I was sure that I was right. 

As long as I believe in him… it'll be alright… Yes... I'm sure…

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The steady beat of the rain accompanied me on my journey there. I quietly cursed my way under the rain. The Gods just knew the right way to annoy me. But, there were much more important things at the moment… one of them, was about the decision I had just made. Yes, it would hurt him... but, there was no other way. This was the only way out… the route that would take us far from heaven.

I made my way pass the gates and silently walked through the highlighted path that was adorned with flowers and other sorts of decorations. I could see two silhouettes in the house; it was Goku and his uncle. They looked like they were arguing and then Goku's silhouette disappeared from the window, followed by the latter. The front door opened and revealed him, with his messy brown hair falling over his face and that pair of brilliant gold eyes staring straight at me.

He ran across the pathway and fell into my arms as I held his small form in an embrace. The both of us were blindly ignoring the drops of water that was falling on us. Yes, I did notice that his eyes were slightly red and as he softly muttered out my name, I could even hear the fragility within his voice.  

"Sanzo, you came!" he said, in an attempt to make his voice sound lively.

I silently loosened my grip on him, allowing him to display his increasing enthusiasm in proving that his uncle was wrong… that I wasn't 'using him'.

"Sanzo, tell Uncle Jin he was wrong…won't you? He said you were using me!!! You aren't using me, right? Tell him!"

"No..." I answered him. My heart slowly started to ache... feeling what he would feel later… later when I would break his heart. But I still controlled my emotions, putting on the cold mask that I had learned to master since I was young.

"See!! Sanzo is not like what you said!" He told back his uncle. His voice was getting back its real tone. But I had to do it. His uncle was already looking at me warningly, his eyes telling me to do it quick.

"No..." I managed to say out in a hoarse whisper.

"... Sanzo?" He questioningly called out my name as his eyes traveled to mine. However I ignored his questioning gaze, knowing that his golden eyes could make me change my decision by just a simple glance. 

"He is not wrong, you are..." I coldly said, hoping that it sounded real. That the rain could at least muffle up the slight shakiness in my voice. That '_that'_ sentence alone was enough to make him believe what I was saying. 

"Sanzo... What are you saying? Can you… say it again?" he asked questioningly, his voice was already shaking as he knew I wouldn't reply. I just looked at him emotionlessly, trying not to display the pain that I was feeling. 

_I was never one to repeat myself…_

"... No... it can't be... Sanzo? It's just a lie... right? You're joking... Tell me Sanzo!! Say something!" He half shouted, as he looked at me in disbelief, with those innocent eyes... His hands found its way to my shirt and he started pulling at me... desperate to hear me say something.    

But I didn't. I couldn't answer back. I could feel his eyes on me. As he slowly came to the realization that what I said was true... that I wouldn't deny what I had said, he weakly shook his head. Not wanting to believe me. His hands were trembling. His head cast down, eyes covered by his dark brown locks... preventing me from seeing his precious golden eyes.

_If I could, I would've answered you then…_

And then, his uncle started calling men to bring me away. Continuing the act that was already half done... playing the part of the director well enough. All I could do was stand there, looking at the heartbroken boy. Watching as tears came flowing down his cheeks as I was slowly pulled away... further away from him. But then, he called me again.

"Sanzo! Tell me why... why you did all this! Were all those kisses just lies... all those times... I was just a… a toy? Why...? Why are you doing this to me?" He asked, after taking a deep breath. Looking at me pleadingly... still hoping I would deny what I had said. He waited for my answer patiently, trying not to break down in front of me. And there was only one thing I had to say... one single phrase to end it all... That would break his heart without a doubt.

"... Because I've never loved you..."

And that did it. His gaze at me turned bitter. There was no longer the liveliness in neither his eyes nor voice. His heart was now broken... torn. His face was slowly getting pale, drained of its blood as his soul was deprived of life. 

My heart had stopped beating at that moment, as his head collided with a sharp stone. Blood came flowing down his head and I could only hear my own voice at that time...

Screaming his name.

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I stood beside his bed, one hand holding his limp fingers, as the other slowly pushed away the few strands of hair that had fallen down from its place. His facial expression was now neutral... his face was sickeningly white, his lips just a straight line. He was in coma. And that was the only reason why I could come this close to him. He would be leaving Japan tomorrow, although still unconscious. But it was for precaution. He needed to be in treatment as soon as possible. They needed to find a suitable donor before they could do anything. And this was going to be the last time that I would be able to see him... to be able to be this close to him. 

I slowly traced a line across his lips, hoping that he would wake up. That I would be able to gaze into his golden eyes once again. To feel his lips against mine... but it was impossible, wasn't it? Even if he did wake up, he would just look at me with hatred. He would push me away, after what I had done. 

Footsteps could be heard, nearing the door. It then opened and revealed his aunt, a kind old lady who was the opposite of his uncle. She then told me that her husband would be back, and asked me to quickly leave. I asked her for a few mere seconds... and she left the room. Then, I took a last glance at him... the boy who was once my lover. I went nearer to him once again. I placed a small ring in his palms, and wrapped it with his fingers.  Slowly I pressed my lips against his cold ones. Only regretting that I was unable to tell him that single taboo phrase... " I love you."  And I quietly left the room... leaving his house... leaving his life... Leaving him alone...

~~ The End ~~~

Author's Note: Ohohoho~ I revised this fic yet again. Really sorry if it sucked and had a crappy ending. I still hope that it was at least 1% better then before ^_^;; Thanks for reading anyhow!! Comments and review are mostly appreciated!! Can always send them to star_foreva88@hotmail.com  XD


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